This is not an amusing joke, like Zombie Harmony. This is real, serious research, people. What if zombies were real? What would we have to do to stop the spreading of this “infectious disease?”

Some nuggets of wisdom.  You know, just in case.

Professor Robert Smith? (the question mark is part of his surname and not a typographical mistake) and colleagues wrote: “We model a zombie attack using biological assumptions based on popular zombie movies.

Okay, well, as long as it’s based on biological assumptions garnered watching movies.

To give the living a fighting chance, the researchers chose “classic” slow-moving zombies as our opponents rather than the nimble, intelligent creatures portrayed in some recent films.

“While we are trying to be as broad as possible in modelling zombies – especially as there are many variables – we have decided not to consider these individuals,” the researchers said.

So, either we’re screwed if the zombies aren’t slow a la George Romero or these scientists are total bigots against fast-moving zombies.  Whatever, Mr. Smith?.  Not a typographical error.  It’s his real name.

In their scientific paper, the authors conclude that humanity’s only hope is to “hit them [the undead] hard and hit them often”.

They added: “It’s imperative that zombies are dealt with quickly or else… we are all in a great deal of trouble.”

You know, I sure am glad someone got this shit figured out before the actual zombie attack that will never happen.

According to the researchers, the key difference between the zombies and the spread of real infections is that “zombies can come back to life”.

Also: real infectious diseases are real whereas zombies are just some low paid actors dressed up in fake blood and gore.  Did you hear me, scientists?  Fake blood and gore.

What’s next?  The scientific answer of how to get Freddie Kreuger out of your dreams, for good?

The source and thank you to the lovely Jen, who found this gem.


  1. hahahahahahaha! I loved this! Please tell me where you got the article from!

  2. Author

    A friend of mine from the UK showed it to me. It’s actual research. Even Robert Smith? is real. “People sometimes ask me why I have a question mark in my name. In fact, somebody does this approximately fifteen times a day. (One day, I’m sure he’ll get bored and go away.) If you haven’t lived with an incredibly common name, then you have no idea what it’s like to be entirely invisible on Google. Not that the question mark actually solves that, but at least it differentiates me from that guy from The Cure. It’s been twenty years now and sadly his career shows no sign of drying up.”

    Glad you liked it, lol.

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