You guys remember how, through some odd google rankings and a few posts I did on zombie research, and zombie love, and how google kept asserting me as a zombie expert, I somehow became the zombie queen?  Okay, you probably don’t, but that’s why I’m reminding you.

Anyway, in my role of zombie expert, I’ve got a couple of links for you.  The first, from Lifehacker.com, comes an advice article about how to date a zombie.

Don’t be hemmed in by your own sex appeal. Dating the walking dead means never being not good enough for someone. That dashing, lantern-jawed Gucci model you see sometimes at Starbucks? The sultry sylph at your office with the wiggle in her walk? While asking them out before Z-Day would have resulted in them pointing you and hysterically guffawing while pantomiming vomiting sounds in the back of their throat, who’s laughing now? They’re dead and you’re alive. That means you’re the hottie.

And, next, the first zombie proof house.  This house?  Kinda awesome.  I’d live there even if there weren’t a pretend impending zombie apocalypse.

Finally, this is old news but maybe new to you: the CDC released Preparedness 101: Zombie Apocalypse.

If zombies did start roaming the streets, CDC would conduct an investigation much like any other disease outbreak. CDC would provide technical assistance to cities, states, or international partners dealing with a zombie infestation. This assistance might include consultation, lab testing and analysis, patient management and care, tracking of contacts, and infection control (including isolation and quarantine).

Of course, I think the CDC was trying to find a way to be amusing and encourage us to prepare for an outbreak of badness of any sort.  But, still.

Image from blingcheese.com.

Just so you know: “zombie love”.  700 impressions. I couldn’t make this stuff up.

“Dirty sex.”  I’m ranked 210th in all of google for dirty sex.  That takes you here:

Vintage Inspiration

Repurposed Journal From Vintage Romance NovelI don’t care who you are, there’s some perverse pride in writing in a notebook like this. It says, loud and proud, though without actually speaking, “Yeah. I’m probably writing dirty sex scenes. You gotta problem with that?” Or something like that. Maybe that’s just me, your mileage my vary.

Yeah.  It doesn’t get any hotter or dirtier than that, baby.

Read More →

This blog is about reading and writing and finding things inappropriately amusing.  (I suffer from inappropriate laughter–it’s a real thing, don’t laugh.  Or do.  If you suffer from it, too.  I won’t judge you.  I’ll probably laugh at you, though.)

The Z-word, which I’m not even going to write anymore because it’s taking over my site, is… well, it’s taking over my site.

It all started because some stupid scientist who spells his name with a question mark did a study on surviving the Z-word apocalypse.  Which I totally believe will happen and we’re probably all screwed anyway.  We don’t need your research, Mr. Smith?.

Looking at my archives, apparently it all started because I did the zomb–Z-word world a favor by posting a link to their own personal dating site.

Whatever.  I posted a couple of cute Z-word links.  As opposed to the 126-or-so I’ve done on writing.  A look at my site keywords tells me the Z-word makes up 5% of my site.

But how are people who just wander in here finding this site?

FYI: I don’t write about, you know, those things.  Okay, occasionally I mention them on the site.  But I write romance.  And not the kind that rhymes with Lombie!

For the love of all that is undead, Google, stop ranking me as a leader in Z-O-M-B-I-E information!

Okay, I’m done.

I love looking at what search terms led people to my site–mostly because it’s so messed up. For your consideration, I offer the following:

zombies will never happen,” “zombie love,” zombie love story,” and “scientific zombie study.”  I tell you, I have become the queen of zombies.  And I write contemporary romance–not paranormal.  There are no freaking zombies in my manuscripts (not that there’s anything wrong with that).

I also got “people flirt.” Well, yeah.  They do.  But what’s this got to do with me?

Someone else searched “laurie sizemore aadom.”  Which is not me.  But, at first, I thought was cool, because I thought, “Double A Dom?” But no.  It’s American Association of Dental Office Managers. Boring.

Finally, and perhaps worst/best of all: “lori sizemore nude.”  That’s not ever gonna happen.  But you can see Lori, the zombie!

It’s that time of the month again where we laugh at the fact that no agents or writers or, dream of dreams, readers are visiting my site.  The only ones visiting are those crazy spambots and people making very strange search requests.  Here we go!

  • nix nix

Really?  What in the whole world do you need to know about this?  Well, hmm.  Googling revealed that, according to the Urban Dictionary:

A middle aged man who plays computer games and has large man Breats. (Nix-Nix-Pix-Nix)

That’s actually worse being associated with than I originally thought.  Thanks.

  • a zombie love story, scientific study zombies, zombie love story

That’s right.  This month is still all about the zombies.  I’ve gotten some serious random hit mileage out of that insane zombie research.  So… thanks, Mr. Smith?.

  • gmc wordpress theme

WE know what the GMC is.  But what is this person looking for?  Did Debra Dixon design a theme?  Oh, wait.  Google reveals all.  They mean GMC the car company.  Well, welcome to Ink Diva Diaries, car enthusiasts!

  • unblocked writer

I know what writer’s block is.  This just sounds like a writer who’s been hitting the prunes.  No, wait.  It’s an actual website*.  With like two pages, discussing why writer’s get blocked.  Okay.  Well, you’re better off here, unblocked writer.  That blog looks abandoned.

  • is there an open sentence when writing a synopsis?

Um, say huh?  I’ll go ahead and answer this for you: yes.  It’s a letter.  With several paragraphs.  And one first paragraph.  That necessitates an open sentence.

Wait, don’t go.  I’m sorry.  If you give me more than that search string, I’ll totally try for a real answer!

Best of all, other than a couple of people checking out teh Kevin Spacey,

  • lorie ann sizemore randleman nc 27317

That’s not me, FYI.

*unblockedwriter.com, such as it was, no longer exists.  However, since June 2010, a much more active, similarly named site sprung up titled theunblockedwriter.com.

I wrote a post ages ago about a quiz I took.  I entitled that post “‘You are a saucy flirt!’ –Lake Placid.” I even attributed it to the source, like a good writer.  Since then, every month, I get a hit or three based on a search for a “saucy flirt.”  Seriously.  Who are you, and why are you looking in a search engine for a saucy flirt?  Wait.  Don’t answer that.

I also always get visitors from people searching my name.  I’m probably not the Lori Sizemore they’re looking for, but it’s the other Lori’s fault she didn’t have the foresight to buy the domain first.  What is new, this past month, is a search for “lori zinke sizemore.”  What is a zinke?  And how is it related to me?  (Oooh, did you know google has a Wonder Wheel to show you related searches!  Nice one, Google.)

But this last search term is all new and made of win.  Someone came to my site with the search “are zombies really real.”  No. Lie.  Apparently, I am now a zombie expert.

Pic courtesy Getty Images

I had this whole post written and Firefox crashed.  The hell, Firefox?  This one is probably not as awesome as the first one.